A Woman Is No Man - Etaf Rum

 "A women is no man"; an often heard line, since childhood, women are also no equal to men in that they are responsible for so many things — maintaining family relationships, making sure that they are enlightening their children and instilling them with values — and so, they are actually more resilient and stronger than men. And so I wanted to take that title and make sure that it's seen in both ways: In the oppressive, limiting way that we use, but also in the ways to make sure that women understand their resiliency and their strength." So say Etaf Rum in her interview.                   

The family saga in Etaf Rum‘s 'A Woman is No Man ', my 61st of 2020, takes us from Palestine, in 1990 to Brooklyn in 2008; and how though times have changed, few things remain the same. 

How even today, for many women, the only way to secure a worthy future is through marriage to the right man - so do many still believe. 

But fate has a will of its own. 

Seventeen year old Isra from Palestine, love reading books, but her family is keen in getting her married and she moves to Brooklyn, with her husband Adam and oppressive mother-in-law Fardeen, who wants her to bear a son, but she begins to have four daughters instead. Eighteen years after, her daughter Deya, too was forced to get married, though her only desire was to go to college.  The story follows the lives of 3 generations of Palestinian women and captures the complexity of generational trauma and family, the violence of occupation and diaspora, and of course, the incomprehensible strength and resilience of women.  For Isra her only solace was her sister in law Sara, who is forced to conform to the tradition, but she breaks free. Like her aunt Deya, too is born and brought up in Arab Brooklyn, and is forced to conform, and is waiting to break free. There is interesting mention of various books like ‘Thousand and One Nights,’ ‘A Tree Grows in Brooklyn,’ ‘Anna Karenina,’ 'Lord of the flies', 'To kill a Mockingbird", ‘Bell Jar,’ ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’  ‘Dr.Seuss,’ which give Isra, Sara and then Deya joy, solace, and escape from reality. 

"I was born without a voice, one cold, overcast day in Brooklyn, New York. No one ever spoke of my condition. I did not know I was mute until years later, when I’d opened my mouth to ask for what I wanted and realized no one could hear me."  So begin the book.  Isn't it the situation of many in our society and the world around? Thankfully, few like me were fortunate to have supportive parents. 

A few reputations here and there, but then so is life and it adds to the reality, its a very brave book, where Rum criticizes about her culture.  There could be imaginations and lessons from around, so it's a fiction and not a biography/autobiography; but indeed it open's readers to realities rarely seen on page.

 Few Conversations which are facts in most country and society with just few tweaks per the culture and tradition with Islam women going through it: 

“Isra cleared her throat. “But Mama, what about love?”

Mama glared at her through the steam. “What about it?”

“I’ve always wanted to fall in love.”

“Fall in love? What are you saying? Did I raise a sharmouta?”

“No . . . no . . .” Isra hesitated. “But what if the suitor and I don’t love each other?”

“Love each other? What does love have to do with marriage? You think your father and I love each other?”

Isra’s eyes shifted to the ground. “I thought you must, a little.”

 “Mama sighed. “Soon you’ll learn that there’s no room for love in a woman’s life. There’s only one thing you’ll need, and that’s sabr, patience.”

And then: Deya's relation with her sisters Nora, Layla and Amal; and especially her discussion with Nora after seeing Nasser; akin to conversations between me and my sis:

"Did you mean what you told Naseer? That nothing can make you happy? .....Why do you think that? It worries me?"

Deya's response intermittently : Sometimes I thin maybe happiness isn't real, at least not for me. I know it sounds dramatic, but....Maybe if I keep everyone at arm's length, if I don't expect anything from the world, I won't be disappointed."

"But you know it's not healthy, leaving with that mindset......I don't understand, when did you become so negative," Nora said.

Discussion between Naseer and Deya:

"A real choice doesn't have conditions. A real choice is free."   

"Maybe," Nasser said. " But sometimes you have to make the best of  things. Take life as it comes, accept things as they are."                                                                                  

Deya exhaled, a wave of self-doubt washing over her. She didn't want to accept things as they were. She wanted to be in control of her own life, decide her own future for a change. 

Four Ladies, the choice was theirs to make and each of them do it in their own way.

 In Islamic class brother Hakeem paced in front of the chalkboard. He recited a verse, in Arabic, "Heaven lies under a mother's feet".    

"Its a metaphor , to remind us of the importance of our women. When we accept that heaven lies underneath the feet of a woman, we are more respectful of women everywhere"

Deya wanted to scream. No one she'd every met actually lived according to the doctrine of Islam. They were all hypocrites and liars! But she was tired of fighting.               

May be someday, we will have the courage, and the world will be a better place to live in.