Divorce

Divorce should be seen as an option of getting out of bad marriages. Better to get out, than being in a bad marriage. 

Top 5 reasons for divorces now:

In the court of law Men are considered guilty until proven innocent. 

In the court of social fabric women are guilty until proven innocent. 

Law in itself need time to evolve, it begins as very stringent. 

There is no perfection in life or in any law. It can be misused by anyone. 

Girl:

10 to 12 years of marriage - 2 children 

• Feeling - you have done your duty - what about emotional need. Start for looking friends outside, which is not acceptable in India - emotional support
• Patent adultery of the guy
• Mother In Law - You cant expect girl to do thing, and husband just move out and say it's not my duty
• Supressed - relatives important, and girl's voice not heard. 
• Domestic abuse - A lot. Educated uneducated. North abuse is unbelievable.  (Girls are expected to be like 2 minute noodle, change as soon as they enter a new home)
• Sexual compatibility. 

Creative difference, support to different political party etc. could also be a reason.  Difference in upbringing the child. 

Behind the media, people would want to keep it. For creative people, in their mind the rules don't apply. 

Court say live your life. They don't stop you from doing any life. Earlier Adultery was a crime, but now it is not. Earlier you could jail. Now you go only to social jail. 

Don't stop doing things you were doing before wedding. Continue doing superficial things. These things make you feel happy and save marriages. Explore each other.  So you will not have to hire divorce lawyers. 

India is a very strange country, bound by social fabric. 

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Ex-Files ~ Vandana Shah

When to call it quits in a marriage

Marriage is a beautiful institution when both the partners are compatible and giving. Yet , it wastes no time in crumbling when one of the partner's out of step with the other. Here are some signs that tell you all is not right:

A change for the better: When one half of the couple is more ambitious and the other cannot keep pace with the change, chances are that one will completely overshadow the other.  When this happens and there is no recourse for communication and rapprochement, it’s time to call it quits.

Big, fat Indian weddings: These  are expensive affairs where the entire family are stakeholders in the marriage and expect couples to stay in it as return on investments. If society and family are the main reasons for sticking it out in a marriage, it’s time to rethink because  a reality check will tell the couple that it’s not really the family but two consenting adults who are in a

relationship together.

In it for the children: Having children in a warring relationship is tough. Wanting to protect them as caring parents is the most natural thing in the world. Yet, experts and counsellors will tell you that staying in a marriage for the kids may actually be detrimental to everybody involved. Children  have  a sixth sense and intuitively know when things aren’t working out. It’s time to take a stock of your relationship and figure out whether the couple is doing anyone any good by staying in a constantly bickering marriage.

Trust: The test of a healthy marriage is that partners have an increased sense of self-esteem rather than the feeling that they are prisoners in a relationship. If you are constantly doubting and cross-checking what your spouse says or does, trust has flown out of the window and sadly, so has your marriage.

When three is a crowd: Partners hire detectives to tail their spouses and when suspicions are confirmed, the information they have received is used as a weapon while  continuing the marital relationship. Couples  as martyrs don’t exactly  paint a pretty picture.

Either work on your marriage,  forgive and move on or confront and check out.

Use and abuse:  When the woman is in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage, she really needs to drop all other thoughts except ‘Let’s get the hell out of here’. There is no excuse or justification for staying on — be it kids, finances or the mistaken hope that he’ll change with time.

History, research and social scientists have proved that the abuser-abused is a vicious cycle and almost never changes.

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Society do not support Independent women. India is a patriarchal society. 

Men always called the shots, women were not economically independent, For children, women feel let us make it work. 

"When there is no love in marriage, there will be love after marriage." - This is greed. 

People are looking for bigger, better deals. 

There are marriages that work, not sure beautifully well. 

People stick to marriage, because they feel they have comfortable existence, feel ashamed what if child hear,  have no time, or feel things are worse outside. Shame, Fear, Karma - make people stay in marriage.

Obsession with one person wears off soon. It is habit that make people stick to the marriage. There is familiarity. Like the love for old T-Shirt. 

Guy: Get excited about big things, and forget small things. Girls get excited about small things. Men need to start doing little thing. 

Prenup is not legal in India. It is against the law. Marriage is Sacrosanct. Like religion, it cannot be questioned. We are a pro marriage country, and not a pro divorce country. 

Unacceptable form of dowry, 'Gifts', Mamaji rule - Shakuni/Kans

You should be happy with your choices, you should be responsible. Person should have similar thoughts, encouraging, EQ, these internal checklist are important. 

How do we save marriage?

• Communicate, speak, speak speak,
• Sibling you trust,
• Go to a councillor
• Go to a divorce lawyer.
• Relatives are like death nail in the marriage. (Relatives are relatives to your success) They will not forget. 
• Bad mouthing your partner is an absolute no-no
• Please talk only to people who is an outsider to the marriage.

Movie Provoked.  Absolute No is abuse. But it's grey and will change from person to person. 

Ostracism, 'Invisible women of India' - Widows of India - Son leave. 

Divorce - Unwanted house guest, who is here to stay. 

Divorce Kit :

• Have finance ready
• Have support kit ready - Non Judgemental. 360 degree back to life. 
• Children can see and sense, they are smart.
• Start doing your own research - know the lawyer. Get the best.
• Be mentally and emotionally prepared. 

Social legal process. Band baja. Where all are involved. House help is also called as witness. 

Hindu marriage act : Section 24 - Interim maintenance - provides grant for your livelihood when the case is going on. Court mandate husband give affidavit of income. Court draws evidence. 

• Councelling
• Settlement - get out of court if possible
• Go to next court
• Kids access 
• Stay at home

Actual judgement can take 8 to 10 years. There is no recourse. Your entire life is jammed. 

After 10 years, you can decide to remain separated. 

Law in India is Pro marriage, and not Pro divorce. 

Go for amicable - mutual. Mandatory cooling period - may be 6 months. 

Eliminate stigma on Divorce. 

Option for guy - keep dragging the case. he can date outside the country without being cost. 

Go with the aim of getting settlement. Divorce cannot be life. It is a sub-set of life. 

Don't get stuck in court. Have faith in higher force. 

You're aim is to raise yourself higher and not bring other person down. 

Choose the why in your goals. 

No marriage begins with the thought of divorce but sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how hard one tries.

Under domestic abuse, you feel humiliated. You start blaming yourself. Abuse victim become so week, instead of going forward, they feel like going back. 

360 degree back to life,  Vandana Shah started this group and wrote the book too. 'Invisible women of India' BBC broadcasted and started writing and got a lot of press coverage. 

25th Sept. Human Empowerment day.