How to win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie

Principles – Fundamental techniques in handling people:

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain – If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the behive.
Give honest and sincere appreciation – The big secret of dealing with people.
Arouse in the other person an eager want – He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
Six ways to make people like you:

Become genuinely interested in other people – Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere.
Smile – A simple way to make a good first impression.
A person’s ‘name’ to him is the sweetest most important sound in any language – If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. – An easy way to become a good conversationalist.
Talk in terms of the other persons interest. – How to interest people.
Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. – How to make people like you instantly.
Win people to your way of thinking:

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Never say ‘You’re wrong’. Show respect for the other persons opinions.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person say yes immediately – “Socratic method,” by which one asks another person questions with which they have to agree..
Let the other person do a great deal of talking – The safety value of handling complaints.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. – helps get cooperation.
Try honestly to see things from the other persons point of view. Formula that will work wonders.
Be sympathetic with the other persons idea and desires – This is what everybody wants.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge. When nothing else work, try this.
Be a Leader – Change people without giving offence or arousing resentment.

Begin with praise and honest appreciation – If you must find fault, this is the way to begin.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly – How to criticize and not be hated for it.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders – No one likes to take orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise – How to spur people onto success.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live upto.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest.
On criticism

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. …. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

On dealing with people

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

The only way we can get a person to do anything is by giving them what they want. What do most people want?

Health, food, sleep, money, sex. Most of these wants are usually gratified, but there is one longing, almost as deep and ingrained as the desire for food or sleep, that is seldom gratified: the desire to be important.

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Flattery comes from the tongue; appreciation comes from the heart.

On influence

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

"Of course, you are interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want."

To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument, we can:

· Welcome the disagreement. If the other person is raising a point we haven’t considered, we can be thankful it’s brought to our attention. It may save us from making a mistake.




· Distrust our first instinctive impression. Our natural reaction to a disagreeable situation is to become defensive. We should keep calm and watch out for how we first react.




· Control our temper. Only negative outcomes result from a bad temper.




· Listen first. We can give our opponents a chance to talk without interrupting, and let them finish without resisting, defending, or debating.




· Look for areas of agreement. Surface those first.




· Be honest. Look for areas where we can admit error and apologize for our mistakes. This helps reduce defensiveness.




· Promise to think over our opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Thank our opponents sincerely for their interest. If they’re taking the time to argue with us, they’re interested in the same things we are.




· Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In the meantime, ask ourselves honestly if our opponents might be right, or partly right.

Next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone, don’t respond with criticism or a negative email. Instead, sleep on it. You’d be surprised how much perspective you can gain by giving yourself a bit of time to think the situation over.

"The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others."

"If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve."

If we’re angry or frustrated at someone and we go to them with our temper flaring, we’re sure to have a fine time unloading our feelings toward them. But what about the other person? Will our belligerent tones and hostility make it easy for them to agree with us?

If we approach the other person with our fists doubled, this will only lead the other person to double his fists twice as fast. If instead we come to him and say, “Why don’t we sit down and talk this through so we can understand why we disagree,” we’re likely to find that we’re actually not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the ones on which we agree are many.

When a person feels negatively about us, we can’t win him to our way of thinking with all the logic in the world. We can’t force someone to agree with us, but we can lead them in that direction if we are gentle and friendly with them.

When you find yourself about to scold your children, act as a domineering boss, or nag your husband or wife, try softening your approach by opening with a friendly conversation and keeping a calm tone.

Have at least five minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand.

When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. We should start by emphasizing the things on which we agree, and be sure to convey that we’re both striving for the same result - our differences are in method, but not purpose.

What we want to do instead is get the person saying “yes” as soon as possible. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place.

One of the fundamental keys to successful human relations is understanding that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think they are.

Don’t condemn them; try to understand them.

Being Sympathetic we can say, “I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel the same way.”

Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.

Avoid delivering negative feedback in front of others

On the secret of success

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.