Though I lost my dearest grandmother in 2015 who was a part of me, I always felt 2015 was a better year than 2016 and kept wondering why the whole of yesterday night, and got to read the below, which made me realise the reason - a flash back to 2016.
As my previous post - Jan 10th Sibila was admitted to the hospital, and on 12th was a surgery - had been to hospital at her request then, it was her husband, me and her sister there on the 12th morning - it was not destined for her to be with us for long.
The incident has left me pondering - but noone had to go through the pain and courage that Reghu had to go through, I can feel a pinch of it, as it even helped me realise who my true friends where. - Some wanted us only for timepass, some where there for us to be our strength during our difficult times - Thank you Praseed.
Below is the message from Reghu verbatam:
"Hi all, I am Reghu
I have been thinking of writing and talking to you all for last couple of months. I tried many times, but no words came out of me. My mind was blank and silent. Even now I don’t know what would I write, but a strong feel is coming from inside to start talking to you all.
I just realized that, today it is six months since I lost the physical presence of my Sibi. The last six months were the most difficult period of time in my life. We, my kids and me, were learning to live without the candle which used to lit our life. Life is slowly coming back to a track and routines. Malavika and Advaith re-started their schooling, I re-started as a regular office goer, and we try to solace each other silently.
Cancer! It is a cruel disease. Not only because of the physical pain it causes but it brings out the real colors of people around you. Doctors who are either too blunt or tight-lipped. The "well-wishers" around you giving forced advices, giving countless directions, success stories, failure stories and thousands of "what-if" scenarios. And some people collect the bad 'stories' and experiences other fellow patients received from your treating doctor, just to tell you. Fake medicines, fake claims, etc etc. Above all these things, the "greed" of your beloved ones starts unfolding slowly. In short, life becomes cruel un-necessarily. Or in other words, we start seeing the reality. I tried my level best to block all these interferences by becoming a bad boy, but I could read from Sibi's eyes that she knows everything. In the night, after switching off the lights, we used sit silently hugging each other feeling the heartbeat eachother. I could feel the tear drops flowing one after the other from her eyes. I begged, cried and pleaded to god in all those moments but…
Sibi used to go through each and every treatment notes, scan reports, medicines etc. She wanted to know, what is happening in her treatment. She had great faith in her doctor and was courageous to face anything to win over the disease. She used to cry when the pain surges. But when the pain goes away, she used to tell me "Never go to a palliative mode, just because this pain is unbearable at times". I had to block many friends, relatives and well-wishers from visiting her in those days. "They may feel sad seeing me in this state. So ask them not to visit" - this was her usual reply.
I sincerely apologize to all who felt bad about those incidents. Sibi always wanted to be in your hearts as "smiley" as her closest friends used to call her. She never wanted anyone else to see her tear-filled eyes.
About our younger kid "Advaith". Sibi was very much sure that, our second child was going to be a boy. She decided his name as "Advaith" even before his birth, saying the name would have great significance in his life. Life was flowing peacefully. She wanted to resign from her office once the maternity leave ends. But, because of one helping hand she had showed, all our plans shattered. She gave a huge amount of money to one of her most beloved ones expecting it back in couple of months. The money was not returned. Because of that, we had to take HUGE personal loans. The EMIs were heavy. It forced both of us to work like dogs with hectic office schedules. We both used to leave early from home and come back late, leaving our kids at the mercy of maids. Advaith was emotionally so attached to Sibi, her absence and over exposure to TV because of the maids, and still-unknown reasons, he started shrinking to himself. A speech delay was identified and later diagnosed as a developmental issue - Autistic Spectrum Disorder.
Sibi's disease and his problem were diagnosed at the same time. Sibi's Continuous treatment, Kids treatment and therapies, Office work, finding source for EMIs… I was getting busier every day. During those days we got support from god, in the form of many people emotionally, mentally, monetarily and spiritually. It was those days, we felt the real value of friendship and relationship. Thank you all, words are not enough to express our gratitude.
Sibi never wanted to publicize about Advaith health condition to anyone. But I know, many of Sibi's friends are as generous as Sibi. I don’t want to see any of her friends to go into the same state. Don’t help relatives by giving money - that is the lesson we learnt. You can bear losing money. But, you may not be able to bear losing the relationship. And the damage that happens to our kids due to our financial debts and commitments is beyond words. Advaith is slowly improving with therapies and all. I am sure he is going to be fine, as he is Sibi's dream.
During Sibi's treatment, when we heard of a possibility of surgery we went for it in good faith. But it turned all the efforts upside down. Before going to the surgery, Sibi asked to promise to do everything possible as "Savithri" did for "Satyavan" in case of any unexpected issues. I did. When everyone else in the world, except her dearest friends, expected her to die I asked for ventilator support. Many people told "he is mad, he is not realisitc, he is the reason for all her plight, etc etc". All the relatives went home. I was alone at hospital with my Sibi. All our friends stood by me like rock. She slowly showed signs of coming back. She was shifted out of ventilator to room. She started talking to friends over phone. She was so confident and happy to receive friends in the hospital too. She talked a lot. The long chemo had done enough damage than we imagined. She had shown emotional instability, and an unexplainable fear, at times. A fracture had happened in her leg during physiotherapy. The silent killer - neutropenia with internal infection surged all on a sudden. And… I failed. I could not keep my promise that I had given her.
My kid Malavika, did not cry when I told her that I could not keep my promise , to bring her mother back in good health. Tears streamed out of her eyes, but she did not cry. She asked me not to cry as well, as "Advaith" would feel sad. She hugged me like her mother used to do. I promised her that I would be strong. She said she also would be strong otherwise her 'amma' would be sad. I slowly prepared her to do the last rites. Explained all the procedures and their meaning. She obeyed them peacefully. Sibi's departure affected my kid a lot in many ways. Sibi was her best friend, best play mate and her love. The emptiness due to the absence of her dearest "amma" is something which cannot be re-filled by anyone else.
In-short, my difficult days started from April 11th. In one of the post-ventilator days sibi said what all things are going to happen if she goes early. And, they are happening now! It is great to see the reality of this world.
I know this note has become very long. May be I had gone to un-necessary details. I just wrote it as it came to my mind. Once again, my sincere apologies to everyone if I had hurt you in anyway during the course of treatment, and for the disconnect happened after Sibi's departure. Thank everyone for showering all your support and prayers even now.
I am not frequent FB user, but still just leave a note or call my mobile. Will update this FB page occasionally. We are more than happy to connect with you all.
Thanks and regards
Reghu"
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