The Forty Rules of Love by Elif Şhafak

The protagonist, Ellen Rubinstein; turning 40, is married with three children and blessed with a pleasant home but was not a fulfilled person. She had emptiness in her heart- an emptiness which could be filled only with love! She takes a job as a reader for a literary agent.


Her first assignment is to read and report on Sweet Blasphemy, a novel yet to be published written by a man named A. Z Zahara. A novel within a novel, The Forty Rules of Love tells two parallel stories that mirror each other across two very different cultures and seven intervening centuries. The spiritual love of the 13th century poet, Rumi, for the wandering dervish, Shams of Tabriz and the present day love between Ella, and, Aziz Zahara. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about, Rumi, Shams (a fascinating character)and the world they lived in. Sub stories of Alladin, Hasan the beggar, Desert Rose, Baybars, Kimya, Kerra and Suleiman the drunk where apt and inspiritn. But I found the affair between Ella and Aziz rather contrived and irritating.

In an age of deeply-embedded bigotries and clashes, Shams of Tabriz and the great Rumi had stood for a universal spirituality, opening their doors to people of all backgrounds equally. They spoke of love as the essence of life, love that connected us all across centuries, cultures and cities.

I'm glad I read the book. It's made me want to read Rumi's poetry and to learn more about Rumi, Shams (if he existed), and about Sufism. The book has set me off on a new path of enquiry, and for that I'm extremely grateful! Indeed Elif Shafak was able to take the words and poems of Sufi Islam wisdom, and make them tangible, clear, and accessible to the present generation!

------   Each of the 40 Rules are especial, though the essence is Love:


 Mystic thought forty symbolizes the ascent from one level to a higher one and spiritual awakening? When we moun we moun for forty days. When a baby is born it takes forty days for him to get ready to start life on earth. And when we are in love we need to wait for forty days to be sure of our feelings.



The flood of Noah lasted forty days, and while the waters destroyed life, they also washed all impurity away and enabled human beings to make a new, fresh start. In Islamic mysticism htere are forty degrees between man and God. Likewise, there are four basic stages of consciousness and ten degrees in each, making forty levels in total. Jesus went into the wilderness for forty days and nights. Muhammed was forty years old when he received the call to become a prophet. Buddha meditated under a linder tree for forty days...Not to mention the forty rules of Shams...

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Submission is a form of peaceful acceptance of the terms of universe, including the things we are currently unable to change or comprehend.

There are four stages in reading any book:
1. Understand the outer meaning
2. Take deep plunge and understand the inner meaning
3.Read with the inner eye.
4. Language fails, you step into love and you understand.

There are seven stages on the path to Truth:
1.  Depraved Nafs: The soul is entrapped in worldly pursuit. It blames others for their unhappiness.
2. Accusing Naf: Start of the journey towards innerpurification. Blaming Self.
3. Inspired Nafs: Where one can surrender
4. Serene Nafs
5. Pleased Nafs
6. Pleasing Nafs: Lantern to humanity, radiating energy to everyone who ask for it.
7. Purified Nafs: High level

No body knows when the time to say good bye is...

Ode on Solitude:


Happy the man, whose wish and care
A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breathe his native air,
In his own ground.

Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire,
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter fire.

Blest! who can unconcern'dly find
Hours, days, and years slide soft away,
In health of body, peace of mind,
Quiet by day,

Sound sleep by night; study and ease
Together mix'd; sweet recreation,
And innocence, which most does please,
With meditation.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;

Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.


------

He reached at all places, spoke to every one, loved having people around, talking with people.....but above all, he loved to be on his own ground, tilling the soil, setting home and around.

He did challenge in Dec 2012 that within 6 months time he would drive to Ekm from Ckdy....???

And he proved to us, his favourate two quotes; which he would often say: 'Time & tide waits for no man" and "All for himself and God for all".

He would often say that he would not live till he is 74; would not be as old as his father was, would die of heart-attack; but did not want to have a sudden death. Wanted people around, not keep his body for long after death, but drink water and die.....And indeed he had a peaceful death as desired....Leaving behind memories....

Had read that those having Prostate Cancer don't die of it, but die with it....and Indeed Dr. Confirmed on 22nd, that it was cardiac arrest; and there was no need for regrets, as otherwise things would be difficult to bear. He could have lived for 6 more months, but the condition would have detioriarated. People with this disease die either of cardiar arrest or of fix, more often, and having fix is difficult to see or bear.

Having discharged from hospital, he wanted to reduce medicine intake and get better so skipped his afternoon medicine, had a hearty dinner; his favourate Nai  chooru (Gee rice). Next day morning he had two idlis and that was the last solid food....Set off at night around 8.45-9.00.; silently and peacefully; having water from Amma.

It was a remarkable journey of 9-10 months as in womb, having had the opportunity to be all my himself in front of the Guruvayoor Nada; inside the main area; for more than half an hour as an elephant was going hither-titther outside where he prayed that all he wanted is a death without pain, and requested God to take him away before he had to bear a lot of pain. Don't know if the medicines were relally effective, and he did not sufffer much, or was it that he did not complain. Again I am reminded....

Never admit the pain,
Burey it deep,
Only the weak complain,
Complain is cheap....

No body knows when the time to say good bye is...and take nothing when they leave, but yes they do leave behind memories......Create the memory you want to leave behind.....

When someone you love dies......

The void will always remain!

Having prayed for miracle, the miracle received was on 3rd Jan, after being discharged from hospital, and waiting for the next appointment on the 11th, Achan left for his heavenly abode....That was God's plan, may be because temporary cure could not be found, we needed to be seperated for sometime, untill we meet again.

Waiting for time to heal, but am sure the scar would remain, the initial feeling is that it can't be true! The bombshell opens a wound in our hearts that would keep healing, but will never be healed. Losing any loved one is hard.

It is normal to grieve and weep when a loved one dies. Various people had various symptoms of grief:

1. Initial shock, disbelief, denial, emotional numbness, guilt feeling (sometimes one may feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one's death-real or imagined), anger.

2. Memory loss and insomnia; extreme fatigue; abrupt changes of mood; flawed judgement and thinking; bouts of crying; appetite changes, with resultant weight loss or gain; a variety of symptoms of disturbed health; lethargy; reduced work capacity; hallucinations-feeling, hearing, seeing the deceased, in the loss of a child, irrational resentment of your spouse. (Since my Uncles death, my grandmother had memory loss, some kept making fun of her when what was needed is caring her)

3. Leveling-off period: Sadness with nostalgia; more pleasant memories of the deceased, even tinged with humor.

Don't let others dictate... How you should act or feel.

Forgive them and forget about it. By trying to force yourself into a mold created by others or by society as a whole, you stunt your growth toward restored emotional health. However danger arised when stagnation sets in, when the grief-stricken person is unable to reconcile to the reality of the situation. It is then help  might be needed.

Releaseing Grief-How?

• Talking
• Writing
• Crying
• Prayer

Some practical suggestions:

• Rely on friends.
• Take care of your health.
• Postpone major decisions
• Be patient with yourself.
• Make allowances for others.
• Beware of using medication or alcohol to cope with grief, it should be only under doctors supervision.
• Get back into a regular routine.
• Developn your hobby.
• Do not be afraid to let go of acute grief.
• Do not be unduly anxious.
• Not sure about others, for me, it helped thinking of Orphans, visiting orphanage having food with them, and thinking about cousins who had lost their parents when they were young.
  
  When a grieving person talks, listen, and don't offer advice. In every culture, grieving people appreciate receiving comfort.

How Can others Help

What to do...

• Listen
• Provide reassurance (They did all that was possible, etc..anything that is ture and positive)
• Offer your sholder to cry.
• Put  in arms, wrap them around to comfort
• Be available; not just during the initial days, more required afterwords.
• Take appropriate initiative
• Be hospitable
• Be Patient and understanding
• Write a letter
• Pray with them

What not to do...

• Do not keep away because you do not know what to say or do.
• Do not pressure them to stop grieving
• Do not be quick to advice them to dicard clothing or other personal effects of the deceased before they are ready.
• Do not say, 'You can have another..."
• Do not necessarily avoid mentioning the departed one.
• Do not be too quick to say, it was for the best.
• It may be better not to say, 'I know how you feel'
• Phone calls at that time,may seem to be nuisance, and some may not like attending it. SMS would be ok

Helping a bereaved person calls for compassion, discernment, and much love on your part. Do not wait for the bereaved one to come to you. Do not simply say, " If there's anything I can do...." Find that "anything" yourself, and then take the appropriate initiative.

Question: Do we say Hearty Condolences or is it Heartfelt?


God forbid; people are needed to be around.....Ability lies in buiding relationship, comforting in the hour of need and being together and not in breaking; or creating problems at the time of crises. 

No matter how much we love another person, we cannot control his or her life, nor can we prevent "time and unforseen occurrence" from befalling those we love.  Nobody knows when the time to say Good Bye is!

It is important to be open and honest about your feelings. But there is no need to blame others for your anger and frustration. So be mindful of talking out your feelings, but not in a hostile way. Do not hesitate to use the real words such as dead and death. Terms like Sleep, out for a long journey, etc. would confuse and create fear in the minds of children.

 Healing happens as you release the hurt. Be honest about your feelings, acknowledge them and then release them to the universe. You are supported in many ways.

One will need a lot of strength, patience and most important time  to moan and to accept the grief.

There have always been few trusted people around in the hour of need, irrespective of the distance, they reach us on time....Thanks to all relatives, friends, and colleagues for the support; thoughts, regrets and regards.  Incredible to find so many connect to the thoughts and feelings, at this juncture and be there around, irrespective of the distance and diseases.

The first one year is going to be unbearable, especially on the ocassion of events...

When your loved one; your companion die, and if you are unable to cope with it; by and large over time, pain turns into grief, grief turns into silence, and silence turns into lonesomeness, as vast and bottomless as the dark oceans..

If I am destined to live, little by little, I/one turns forty, fifty and sixty.....The universe is turning, constantly and relentlessly, and so are the earth and the moon,Even I/we Need to keep walking,


People always say that the worst thing which can happen is when a child dies before the parent does.

When a parent dies, no matter if too early or peaceful while at sleep, it is dramatic for the child, who carries so many memories and life experience through their parents with them. And basically, we are always children as long as our parents are alive.


 We cannot share any moment with the person we have lost – only memories; and I belive this is apt for my father:

7 Rules of life: Whisper of the heart

1. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.


2. What others think of you is none of your business: They would think they know better, when they do not!

3. Time heals almost everything, give it time.: But the scar would be there....

4. Don’t compare your life to others, and don’t judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

5. Stop thinking too much, it’s all right not to know the answer. They will come to you when you least expect it.

6. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

7. Smile. You don’t own all the problems in the world. Laugh may hurt others, so be compassionate.