Conversation are Crucial if the results could have a huge impact on the quality of your life. It is a discussion between two or more people where:
Stakes are high
Opinions vary and
Emotions run strong
We often back away from them because we fear we’ll make matters worse. Silence kills, Silence fails.
When we fail a crucial conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected – from our careers, to our communities, to our relationships, to our personal health.
Mastering Crucial Conversations The Power of Dialogue – At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy. Achieve dialogue, rather than making a Fool’s choice. Dialogue skills are easy to learn.
Start with Heart, stay Focused on what you Really want. The best way to work on ‘us’ is to start with ‘me’; only person you can directly control is yourself. Don’t just go about winning, punishing or Keeping the peace. Refocus your brain. Take charge of your body. Refuse the fool’s or sucker’s choice, ask brain to solve the more complex problem by searching for the and. What do I want for myself, other person and the relationship. There is a way to share your concerns, listen sincerely to those of others and build the relationship – all at the same time.
Learn to Look, how to notice when safety is at Risk? Most of us have trouble dual-processing (simultaneously watching for content and conditions) Watch for three different conditions:
The moment a conversation turns crucial
Signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence) – learn to look for safety problems. The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding and withdrawing. Three most common forms of violence are Controlling, Labeling and Attacking.
Your own style under stress.
Make it safe to talk about almost anything – When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and make it safe. Apologize when appropriate. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. Talk about the problem with no pretending, sugarcoating or faking, notice which condition is at risk. Watch for signs if mutual purpose is at risk – care about their goal, trust motives. Do other believe you respect them? When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize. When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use contrasting. It is not apologizing, but provides context and proportion. Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that:
Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part) {This is important as it helps clear misunderstanding}
Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part)
Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean. Create a Mutual Purpose. Contrasting can be useful both as prevention and as first aid for safety problems.
When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.
When you are at cross-purpose, use four skills (CRIB) to get back to Mutual Purpose:
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
Invent a Mutual Purpose
Brainstorm new strategies.
Master my stories - stay in Dialogue when you are Angry, scared or Hurt – You make yourself mad, scared, annoyed or insulted. Not others. You and only you create your emotions. You can either act on them or be acted on by them. You either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them. Feelings drive actions. When you feel hurt or worried, you go into silence or give cheap shots. Stories create feelings. Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment – is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stores, our body responds with an emotion. So the path to action has the below steps:
See & Hear
Tell a story
Feel
Act
Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretation of the facts. They help explain what we see and hear. They’re theories we use to explain why, how, and what. If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. Else the stores will control us. They first control how we feel then how we act and as a result the results we get from our crucial conversations. We can tell different stories and break the loop, to have improved results. If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this to retrace your path. Notice your behavior. Ask yourself what you’re really doing:
Am I in some form of silence or violence? – Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story.
What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? - Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.
What story is creating these emotions? – Get back to the fact. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story.
Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain and Helpless stories sit at the top of the list. Refrain from clever and unhelpful stories. Tell the rest of the story. Ask:
Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this?
What do I really want?
What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
State My path - speak Persuasively, not abrasively. When you have a tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path; The first three states what to do, and the next two states how to do it.
Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path of Action.
Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
Ask for others path. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
Talk Tentatively. State your story as a story. Don’t disguise it as a fact.
Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.
Explore others paths listen when others blow up or calm up. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s path to action to its origins.
Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other persons views.
Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking.
Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.
As you being to share your views:
Agree. When you share views.
Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views, then build.
Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views. Don’t turn differences into debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.
Move to action and result. Avoid the two traps of violated expectations and inaction. Decide how to decide.
Command. Decisions are made without involving others.
Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides.
Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision.
Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision.
Consider who cares, who knows, who must agree, and how many people is it worth involving.
Finish clearly. Determine who does what by when. Make the deliverables crystal clear. Set a follow-up time. Record the commitments and then follow up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises. Document decisions and follow up.
Tools for preparing and learning. Two high-leverage ways of getting started is by becoming more conscious of these two key principles.
Learn to Look. Are you playing game or in dialogue?
Make it SAFE – Do/say something to make others comfortable
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