The Courage to be Disliked ~ Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

 The Courage to be Disliked ~ Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

The courage to be disliked is spread across 5 nights, as a conversation between a youth & a philosopher.

It is based on psychologist-philosopher Adler's theories. He was a contemporary of Freud & Jung, but isn't as household a name as they are. Maybe because his beliefs were too eccentric for his times. 

First chapter  says that trauma can be denied. Read that again.

It says that humans use trauma as a shield to hold on to beliefs about their own limitations, so that they don't have to get out of their comfort zones.

The youth, as expected, disagrees vehemently. Why - there are trauma survivors of CPTSD, who have it extremely difficult to move forward. It also implies, rather boldly asserts, that some fears & behaviours like agoraphobia or germophobia, emotions like anger even, are manufactured by the mind as either an attention seeking behaviour or to mask the fear of rejection.

Now,as a self-diagnosed adult with ADHD, who has difficulty getting to do regular chores that come easy to most people; I assure you we don't wanna live this way. The youth says as much! It is more a neurological makeup than the doing of an environment growing up.

No denying of past trauma can solve it permanently. We can only learn coping mechanisms and move forward.

The book says trauma is real. But holding on to it is optional.

This is easier said than done - you can't move forward without processing it & even if you do, recovery ain't linear. It takes years, decades even to get to a normal functioning. I am just happy to exist in times where people don't want to brush their trauma under the carpet. That is real courage - facing life after trauma.

I choose to take the 'Deny Trauma' bit as - everyone can attempt to move past it and not let it cloud their future life. I think that's what the Philosopher means. Perhaps, as English wasn't Adler's first language, a lot of it is lost in translation? Perhaps the authors want to catch our eye with extreme statements?

1. Freedom of Choice: We have the power to choose our own responses and actions, independent of past experiences or societal expectations. Taking responsibility for our choices empowers us to shape our lives.

 2. Letting Go of Validation: Seeking validation from others can be limiting and can hinder our growth. Embracing our true selves and living in accordance with our own values is more important than seeking approval from others.

 3. Separation of Tasks: Recognizing the difference between our own tasks and the tasks of others allows us to focus on our own growth and not be burdened by external factors. We can choose how we perceive and respond to events, freeing ourselves from resentment or blame.

 4. Living in the Present: Embracing the present moment and letting go of attachments to the past or worries about the future allows us to fully experience and appreciate life. Happiness lies in being present and making the most of each moment.

 5. Defining Happiness: Happiness is a subjective experience that differs for each individual. It is important to define our own version of happiness rather than chasing societal ideals or external markers of success.

 6. Acceptance of Self: Embracing and accepting ourselves, including our flaws and imperfections, is crucial for personal growth. Authenticity and self-acceptance pave the way for genuine happiness.

 7. Courage in Disapproval: Being true to ourselves may result in being disliked or facing disapproval from others. Having the courage to withstand that disapproval and stay true to our values is essential for living an authentic life.

 8. The Power of Choice in Relationships: We have the choice to engage in and nurture healthy relationships. Recognizing that we can choose our connections empowers us to let go of toxic relationships and cultivate positive ones.

 9. Overcoming Trauma: By focusing on the present and choosing to move forward, we can liberate ourselves from the burden of past traumas. Our past does not define us unless we allow it to.

 10. Growth Mindset: Cultivating a growth mindset allows us to see challenges as opportunities for learning and personal development. Embracing a mindset of continuous growth helps us adapt, overcome obstacles, and reach our full potential.

These key learnings from “The Courage to Be Disliked” provide valuable insights into personal responsibility, self-acceptance, and finding happiness by living authentically. The book challenges traditional beliefs and encourages readers to embrace their own unique paths, empowering them to create meaningful and fulfilling lives.

1. Happiness Comes from Interpersonal Relationships:

The book underscores the idea that true happiness often stems from our connections with other people. This means being part of a community and contributing positively to the lives of others. The more you focus on serving others, the more fulfilled you can feel in your own life.

2. Overcome Inferiority Complexes:

The authors emphasize the concept of inferiority complexes, which can arise from comparing ourselves to others. Rather than feeling inadequate, the book encourages self-acceptance and the idea that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. By recognizing our own worth and not seeking external validation, we can live more freely and confidently.

3. Let Go of the Desire for Recognition:

Seeking approval from others can lead to an unfulfilled life. The authors suggest that striving for recognition from others can make us less happy because we may be trying to live up to others' expectations instead of our own. By focusing on intrinsic goals and values, we can find deeper satisfaction.

4. Live in the Present:

This book encourages readers to focus on the present moment rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. By cultivating mindfulness and embracing the now, we can experience life more fully and appreciate what's in front of us.

5. Find Purpose in Life Tasks:

The book identifies three main tasks in life: work, relationships, and love. By finding purpose and meaning in each of these areas, we can create a sense of balance and fulfillment. Embracing these life tasks as opportunities to grow and serve can help us find purpose and satisfaction.

6. Trust Yourself and Others:

Trust is an essential component of healthy relationships and personal growth. Trusting yourself means believing in your abilities and decisions, while trusting others involves letting go of control and having faith in those around you. This mutual trust can lead to stronger, more meaningful connections.

7. Change Your Perspective on Problems:

The book suggests that how we perceive problems can greatly influence our experiences. Viewing challenges as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles can help us approach them with a positive and proactive mindset. This shift in perspective can lead to personal growth and resilience.

8. Embrace the Courage to Be Disliked:

Living authentically can sometimes mean going against the expectations of others. Accepting the possibility of being disliked allows us to stay true to our beliefs and values. This courage can lead to a more genuine, fulfilling life, as we are no longer held back by the fear of disapproval.

9. Stop Using Trauma as an Excuse:

Discard the victim mentality. Our past experiences – including traumas – affect us not by the events themselves, but by the meanings, we attach to them.