The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. Love begin at home and people speak different love languages. Like the languages we use to speak, read and right, most of us grow up leaning the language of our parents and siblings which become our primary or native one. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. So also in the area of Love.
"Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Misbehaviour is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank'. Dr. Ross Campbell. Love Language children understand can be different from that of the parents.
Spouses, friends need not have the same Love language. All need security, self worth and significance. Share that in your relationship.
In 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman tells about the secrets of Love that lasts.
We need to keep the Love tank full, and understand that 'falling in love' is an euphoric experience. From in love, we move to real love. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. The emotional need for love must be met if we are to have emotional health.
For relationships to last we need to keep the love tank full. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming word we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires. Encouraging words, compliments, kind, humble words make a difference. Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse's perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement. It can be verbal or non verbal.
By bringing into today, yesterday's failures you pollute a potentially wonderful present. Let failures become history. Forgiveness is not a feeling it is a commitment.
The 5 languages are:
1) Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
2) Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided, Focused attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities with feelings. Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation. There are two personality types - Dead Sea and Babbling Brooks. For BBs what enters their eyes or ears come out of the mouth.
3) Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly. It is something you can hold in your hands, visual symbols. Physical presence help.
1) Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
2) Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided, Focused attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities with feelings. Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation. There are two personality types - Dead Sea and Babbling Brooks. For BBs what enters their eyes or ears come out of the mouth.
3) Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly. It is something you can hold in your hands, visual symbols. Physical presence help.
4) Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. It's common to feel Doormat or Lover? The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
5) Physical Touch
Touch is very powerful. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. This language isn't all about the bedroom. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. It's common to feel Doormat or Lover? The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
5) Physical Touch
Touch is very powerful. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. This language isn't all about the bedroom. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
We need to discover our primary love language and the love language of our loved ones. Know which of this it is:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Ignoring the love language is like ignoring the needs of the garden.
If your deepest pain is the critical, judgemental words - then your love language is 'words of affirmation.' You can understand your love language by answering these questions:
- What hurts you the most?
- What have you requested most often?
- In what way do you regularly express love?
If your love tank has been too full or too empty, it will be difficult to find your love language. Do a Tank Check. Ask for a reading from 0 to 10 three evening a week. If you loved one is at a 10 consistently, good and continue doing what you are doing.
Love is a choice, love makes the difference, we can love the unlovely. "Do to others as you would have them to do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them" - So says Bible.
- 'Ask' and be a better person
- Take feedback
- Continue giving positive feedbacks and affirmations
- Don't rest on you laurels - continue the journey.
Each of us come from different personality and history with different emotional baggage. Our primary love language tend to stay with us for a lifetime. Children need to learn how to receive and give love in all five love languages.
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