Things I wish I'd known Before We got married - Gary Chapman (22 of 2023)

 

Things I wish I'd  known Before We got married - Gary Chapman

Marriage between a man and a woman, is the foundation of all human societies. The reality is that when children become adults, most of them will get married. Almost all these couples anticipate "Living happily  ever after". No one gets married hoping to be miserable or to make their spouse miserable. Yet we all know that the highest percentage of divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. 

How ironic is that we recognise the need for education in all other pursuits of life and fail to recognise the need when it comes to marriages. The decision to get married will impact ones life more deeply than almost any decision in life. Yet people continue to rush into marriage with little or no preparation for making a marriage successful. In fact, many couples give far more attention to making plan for the wedding than making plan for marriage.  

Marriage is a hardwork, you must make time to discover and practice thing needed to make it work, understand:

1. That Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage - Love illusion -'Fall in love', when 'The Tingles' Strike. Those warm excited feelings, the sense of acceptance, are the cherry on top of the sundae. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. 
2. The Romantic Love has two stages : First is the stage of euphoric feeling of 'being in love', with great energy and delighted to do things for one another. Second stage is much more intentional than the first stage. It requires work to keep emotional love alive, but rewards are astounding. Find your love language- the 5 are: Words of affirmations, Quality time, Act of service, Gifts or Touch. 
3. That the Sayings "Like Mother, Like Daughter" and "Like Father, Like Son" are not myths. We are all products of the environment. Our behaviours, communication patterns, courtesies etc. Together the tow of you need to ensure that those old sayings will not become a reality in your relationship. Make of list of the things both of you like and dislike of your parents and share. Use this list to discuss where you would want to be different and the steps you will take to do that. 
4. You can solve disagreements without arguing. We will have conflicts. It is not a sign that you have married to the wrong person. They simply affirm that your are human. Large or small all conflicts have the potential of destroying an evening, a week, a month or a lifetime. It also can teach us how to love, support and encourage each other. This is by far the better road to travel. The difference is in how you process the conflict. Have 'listening time' and not just 'talking time'. Create an atmosphere of friendship. Big word in finding a solution is 'compromise'. It is not only positive but necessary. It is finding a meeting place - giving up  something to have harmony, discovering 'our' way. Two individuals who choose to be friends will find that solution. You can find a middle meeting place, or meeting can be in your side, or meeting later. 
5. Apologizing is a sign of strength. Christian scriptures have a great to say about confession and repentance. What one person consider to be an apology, is not what other person would consider to be an apology. 5 apology languages are: - Expressing regret may or may not starting with 'I am sorry', accepting responsibility 'I was wrong', making restitution wanting to make it right, genuinely expressing the desire to change your behaviour 'Can you make me think what I can do to make sure that this doesn't happen gain? , requesting forgiveness. Apologize sincerely. 
6. Forgiveness is not a feeling . Irritations do not call for forgiveness they call for negotiation. So what does it mean to forgive?  When one of us offends the other, an emotional barrier is erected between the two of us. The passing of time will never remove the barrier. Barriers are removed by sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but a decision. Decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice. Forgiveness removes the barrier and open the possibility for the relationship to grow. Understand that (1) Forgiveness does not destroy your memory, you cannot forget when you forgive, (2) forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing. (3) Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. Trust is the gut level confidence that someone is a person of integrity. (4) Forgiveness do not always result in reconciliation.  (5) You can confront lovingly. 
7. Toilets are not self-cleaning - There are responsibilities. Decide who does what? It is what sociologists call "marital roles". Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriage. Each of us have grown up in different models. Second influence upon your perception of marital roles is your own philosophy about maleness and femaleness.  Third what are each of you good at? We need not have same skill sets. Fourth is our likes and dislikes. Make a list of all things to be done at home, put initials beside them. Make a list of what responsibility your father and your mother took up in marriage. 
8. We need a plan for handling our money. Make it our money.  At the heart of marriage is the desire for unity. Agree of the percentage of income you will Save, Share, Spend. Avoid using credit cards. Consult each other on major purchases. Decide on book keeping and who will do that. 
9. Mutual Sexual fulfilment is not automatic. What men need is different from what women need. While men focus on intercourse, women focus on relationship. 2nd, to wife foreplay is more important than the actual act of intercourse itself. 3rd mutual sexual satisfaction does not require simultaneous climax. 4th when one forces a particular sexual act upon one's spouse, it ceases to be an act of love and becomes sexual abuse. True love is bringing pleasure to spouse. 5th sex is more than intercourse, it is a bonding experience. Union of male and female in the most intimate way. Union of body, soul and spirit. So intercourse is reserved for marriage by most faith. 6th Communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. Normally talk about sex is that of condemnation and rejection. They have focused more on telling than on listening. Do empathetic listening - i.e listening with a view to discovering what the other person is thinking and feeling. 7. Past never remain past. It is not easy to wipe the psychological slate clean. Marriage cries out for exclusive relationship. It is painful to know spouse has had sexually intimate relationship with others. 
10. We get married into a family. Life will be easier if you have a positive relationship with extended family. All come with unique thoughts, feelings and desires.5 key issues you could have are : 1) Holidays & festivals. 2) Traditions 3)  Learn to Listen. Be Empathetic. 4) Learn to Negotiate. It is enhanced when you make requests and not demands. 5) Learn their love language. 
11. Spirituality is not visiting holy places. Divergent spiritual view can create conflict. Issues that need to be looked at are: 1) What do you think about God. 2) Exploring the branches. 3) What kind within a specific branch. 4) 
12. Personality profoundly influences behaviour. We are all unique, but how unique? Characteristics that make unique is personality, and it profoundly affect marriage. 1) Eating habits, waking up timings, routine of the day; 2) half full or half empty - are you an optimist or pessimist; 3) Neatniks and slobs or even OCD's 4) Dead sea or Babbling brook. 5) Passives and aggressive. (Some people read history, others make it) 6) Professors or dances. Logical thinkers are professors for whom everything must be reasoned out. The intuitive person is dancer. 7) The organiser and the free spirit. The organiser will give attention to the details while the spontaneous person - the 'free spirit' - thinks that the details will take care of themselves. Fill out a personality profile before wedding, it will help. One profile is couple check up, measuring 20 different aspects of your relationship. It will help celebrate your strength, and identify areas that need growth. It is available at couplecheckup.com . There are separate ones for those dating, engaged and married. There is also an assessment tool called 'Prepare/Enrich'. This need to be administered, scored and interpreted by a counselor. 

Talking it over:

1. On a scale of 1-10 rate yourself on the following personality traits. 10 means extremely high and 1 means extremely low:

a. Optimistic

b. Pessimistic

c. Neat

d. Messy

e. Babbling Brook

f. Dead sea

g. Pointer

h. Painter

i. Aggressive

j. Passive

k. Logical

l. Intuitive

m. Organizer

n. Spontaneous.

2. Encourage your partner to take this up. Discuss your answers

Dating is important, get to know the intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical foundations for marriage. It can be casual and committed.  Only then make the decision - to marry or not to. The personality differences can be easily observed in the dating relationship if the couple is looking for it. However most couples are not. 

In an effort to identify the various aspects of our humanity, we often use words as intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual and physical. Are we compactable in each of these areas? 

People do not get married planning to get divorce. Divorce is the result of lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as team mates in an intimate relationship.